The One That Could Get Away
by blackkitty479
Summary: Maura's view on her relationship with Jane.


_**My take on Maura and Jane's relationship, from Maura's point of view. You should totally check out sg4ever's fic on Jane's version, **The One That Won't Get Away too!****_

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><p>Have you ever loved someone so much that you feared you might end up hurting them? Neither have I. The end. Yeah right. Nice try, Maura, just go on trying to fool yourself like you always do. Truth is, I have never loved anyone in my life more than I love Jane now. I never thought I'd fall in love with her, despite the fact that there was a small part in me that wondered what her lips taste like since the day I first saw her.<p>

You know, they call me the _Queen of the Dead _for a reason. I don't get along well with the living. I had many lovers over the ages, of course, but my longest relationship lasted around a month. Of course, if you count Jane out. She was at first my friend, the only one who understood me, that knew how to make me laugh even in the darkest of times. And then, somehow, we became lovers. It started like a game, some kind of "Let's see what happens if I kiss the nice detective on the lips", but before I knew it, we were French-kissing like that would have been the most natural thing to do at that time. And somehow it was. I can never forget the look she threw me after our lips parted. That mixture of shock and awe in her eyes. Shock, awe and a fair amount of pleasure too. I expected her to slap me, to run away, anything. But the only thing she did was to stand there smiling. And then she told me something that I can't forget. "I think we messed up the borders between us." And I went "Screw the borders." And here we are, after almost half a year, a period of time that was in some ways better than any other in my life.

The only problem is, I still think we're living in a utopia. There is a very big part of me that wants to keep Jane for good, to marry her and to spend my life close to her. I'll never find someone who completes me as well as she does, I know that. But I can't be so selfish. She deserves someone better than me. Her life besides me would be too complicated, not to mention that I couldn't bear the thought of Angela finding out about us. Jane's mother was always so nice to me, and her family accepted me incredibly well, and I just can't tell them that I have corrupted their daughter. They'd never understand. Maybe Tommy will, but he would accept it just because he'd like the thought of his sister being bi too much for his own good.

My biggest problem is, I just want Jane to be happy. I would give my life to know that she is happy, and she swears that she is happy with me, but I can't help thinking I'm just not enough. She deserves to have a family of her own, with kids and all that, and I can't give her that. I told her that, but she claimed she doesn't care about this at the moment, that she'll see what she'll do when it is time. Silly me, thinking that I could get Jane Rizzoli to plan on her future. She's not the type to make future plans, she just improvises and takes life as it is. Silly thing is, I am a scientist. I always thought life to be logical in every single aspect; I always planned my life at least five years in advance. And the first plan I made when I saw Jane was that she will be my best friend and nothing more than that. That worked extremely well, as you can see.

Now don't think that I didn't try breaking up with her. I did, and she accepted it for a while, but let's just say that love is pretty convincing when it wants to. Or maybe it's just the taste of her lips. That sweet, intoxicating flavor that haunts my dreams when she is not around.

However, I would lie if I said that everything about us is lust. Not even close. Sure, there is lust between us, and sometimes we almost devour each other's mouth, but that is just the tip of iceberg. You know that type of… I don't even know how to call it, even if love seems a pretty good idea- relationship let's say, where in one moment you're all over the other one and in the next second you're just cuddled in her arms, laughing like a giddy schoolgirl about God-knows-what, with your brain drowned in huge amounts of fluff, and completely no gutter involved? Jane is like that, and I know that, if I manage to break up with her- and that's a huge if- this is what I'll miss the most about us. This ability to shift moods as the seconds go, and still shift them in perfect sync to each other. I'll never have this connection with someone else, and in a way this is a good thing. I never think that Jane will replace me with someone, or that I will replace her. We just can't do this. The only thing I hope is that she founds some gorgeous stud that swipes her off her feet and that we'll go back to square one, back to being just friends. And yes, it has to be a man, not because I would be against same sex relationships, but because I would die if I saw my Jane in the arms of another woman. I can't explain why, but I know this would be the case.

Of course, she doesn't want to listen. After all, one of the things I love the most about her is her determination. And I would lie if I said that I don't find this a bit flattering. She could get away from me in a second, she could have any guy she wants- well maybe she'd have to use the handcuffs for that- but anyway, she could find someone in a split second if she tried. The thing is, she doesn't try. As hard as I would find it to believe, Jane wants me. Me and only me, for the moment at least. The queen of the dead has finally found someone alive to rule her life. Did I want that? Of course not. But I stopped making plans when I met Jane. Our love is anything but logical, but maybe that is just the best part of it.

In some ways, Jane is the one that could get away. She could, if she only wanted. But she doesn't want to for some unfathomable reason. I used to think that I'm staying with her because she's the easy way, the only one who I know for sure that will never hurt me, the only one that I can be myself with. I would hate to lose that, but I know that even if we break up as lovers, we would still be the best of friends. What is between us has proven to be more than any stupid definition or any relationship pattern, despite the fact that we are still hiding from the rest of the world. Some things are better kept secret.

And here I am, at times praying that Jane finds someone better than me and breaks up with me, at times wishing this would never happen. One thing is clear though. If we are to break up, she has to be the one that does it. No matter how much I could love another one, I would never leave her. I'd sooner end up in a threesome than breaking her heart. I never knew this would happen, but the truth is I love her too much to break up with her. So I just keep waiting that someone else will take care of it for me. Call it cowardness, call it anything, but this is it. I can't do it by myself. I don't want to. So here I am, stuck in the best relationship I ever had in my life, trying to convince myself that it should end. I don't know if it will or when will that be. I just know that I will suffer a great deal when it does, but I'll be grateful if Jane found someone better than me. If she does, good for her. If she doesn't… God have mercy on both of us, for we'll keep doing what we know best-loving each other. As strange as it may be at times, we're pretty good at it.


End file.
